Having grown up in an environment where boundaries were nowhere to be seen, I had no idea these wild things even existed. When I came across the word itself, I was fascinated. I was hooked. I had to know what these boundaries are and how I can apply them to my life. From books, to podcasts, to magazine articles, I devoured every information accessible. Slowly, after establishing my own boundaries and reinforcing them when needed, I created my nonnegotiables.
Nonnegotiables have protected my space, peace, and boundaries that I worked so hard on creating. A peaceful day in this anxious mess’ life looks like reading a few chapters of whatever book I’m reading that week, yoga and/or any type of movement before starting the day, and finally diving into chores and tasks that await me. My evenings consist of cooking a meal I’m craving that day, hopping in the shower and having tea before settling in for the night. These are my nonnegotiables. This might sound basic or just any other day to some of you (if that’s the case, I applaud you), but to me, this is what protects me from spiraling and having to soothe multiple anxiety attacks throughout the day.
Navigating life’s hardships with mental illness has been a constant struggle, but especially if I didn’t honor my routine and my daily needs. And I found myself abandoning them to accommodate someone or something else, thinking that’s more important, and “it wouldn’t really shake me if I go a day without my rituals”. Let me tell you, it shakes me from the ground up!
Lately, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. At some point, I started to experiment with tending to somebody or something else instead of to my nonnegotiables. I wanted to see if that’s truly what shook me. I was proven right. These rituals envelop me in a bubble of security. I feel safe, grounded and simply myself. This turned out to be the biggest boundary I have to work on, a boundary with my own self.
Boundaries are hard, so hard I cry every time I set one, but they’re relatively easier when we’re setting them with other people. I always think of the mantra in Melissa Urban’s Book of Boundaries: clear is kind, and it helps me with the courage needed to set and/or enforce said boundary. I know I’m being kind to the other person when I tell them how to show up for me and how to love me. Setting boundaries with myself turned out to be the hardest thing I have to do.
Looking inward and telling myself that I need to do this for me, I often find myself confronted with an entity who thinks she knows better. She tells me that setting this boundary - tending to my nonnegotiables instead of jumping right away into whatever is needed of me - is me being irrational and crazy. She gaslights me into thinking she knows better, and I sometimes believe her. Only to end up depleted, anxious, resentful and frankly hateful.
So what does setting a boundary with yourself look like? It looks like an inward battle. A constant battle. A daily struggle. Hourly, even. It looks like reminders. Reminders of why my nonnegotiables are good for me and everybody around me. Reminders such as: “If I don’t show up for myself, I won’t be able to show up for my husband and cats.”, “Having nonnegotiables has allowed me to prosper so far, and I deserve that.”, “Do it now!”
I can’t promise that you won’t hear that constant voice who thinks she knows better, but I can promise you that it does get easier with practice. I can also promise you that in sticking to your guns, you slowly start to muffle that voice down. Like holding a pillow to it. And if that’s not winning the battle, I don’t know what is.
Hard days are inevitable. Believe me, I’ve tried to run away from them. But in showing up for yourself especially during those days, not only do you build resilience in the face of hardship but setting boundaries with yourself becomes a task you’re always so proud you checked off your list.
What are your nonnegotiables? And how do you plan on implementing them, no matter what?
Er, yep, all of this resonates so hard... well not quite all of it as I think I'm a little way behind you and still figuring out where my boundaries lie, but that's the other thing. We (I) have had a tendency to think of boundaries as static but they are dynamic and mine have shifted A LOT since my burnout. Another difference is that I find setting them with myself so much easier than trying to get other people to accept them- Probably because i am much more aware than they are of the consequences of ignoring them. My current bout of 'burnout' being the obvious example. It was caused, and has been exacerbated by the refusal of others (and I suppose my own lack of confidence) to trust that I know what I need to stay well. I think it's been an important lesson, and reminder that having/ setting boundaries is a practice rather than an action.