The thing about having chronic generalized anxiety disorder is that it’s usually accompanied by many other suppressed feelings and views of the world. A big one of them, for me, is cynicism. And I long pondered whether I should write about this or not. Simply because I never want to give cynicism the space to thrive.
Fighting cynicism has been a long battle. I never want to stop being hopeful or see the good in people. But my anxious mind and body like to remind me that for some reason nobody has my best interest at heart and that, if anything, I’m going to be harmed. Whether that’s emotionally or mentally.
The thing is - and it’s a big thing -, a lot of people did harm me. Emotionally, mentally and physically. So you can understand how difficult it would be to discern between someone who genuinely has good intentions and another who’s “plotting against me” as my anxiety likes to put it. But can I truly blame my anxiety in this instance? Can I be mad that my fight or flight is activated as a means to protect me?
I cannot. But I also don’t want to be guided by fear every second of every day. Which is something I have been feeling tremendously these past couple of weeks. I do feel like everyone is coming for me. And if they’re not, they’re using me for their own gain.
I hate to admit it, but my judgment is being clouded by past occurrences and it’s beginning to look very difficult for me to discern and make the right call on people and situations surrounding me. My vision is becoming very blurry and I don’t know how to read anything around me. Could they be talking to me because I’m of a certain use to them? Or am I actually being heard and seen right now? I don’t know and I can’t seem to figure it out. But then again, it’s hard to figure anything out when you’re running on the adrenaline of an anxious mind telling you many different things in the span of a millisecond. It is especially difficult when you’re expecting the worst from everyone.
When my anxiety doesn’t manifest in physical symptoms (shakiness, lump in my throat, clenching of the jaw and the feeling of wanting to vomit), it’s not very easy for me to know whether it’s present or not. I’ve always functioned anxiously, anyway. How can I know? I also no longer have the space of therapy where I can unpack and know what’s truly happening, whether these are genuine feelings or ones that are born out of fear and anxiousness.
The juxtaposition is, I have been used and manipulated before because of the low self-esteem that my anxiety caused. However, my anxiety is now trying to protect me in its own twisted way.
I always swore and vowed that I would never succumb to the cynicism, that I would always give people and situations the benefit of the doubt until shown otherwise, that I would forever hold kindness in my heart and expect the same because I like to believe that everyone is kind at heart, that everyone carries love in them.
But I haven’t been shown love in many instances. I haven’t been shown kindness. And so, inevitably, I don’t feel worthy of them. Leading to the current cynicism I’m dealing with now.
If you think about it, or write about it in my case, it all makes sense. It’s a vicious cycle and an unbreakable chain.
Recently, I have been reading about community a lot. The importance of having your people around you, and the significance of showing up for them every single day. I don’t have my people yet. But I like to think that I will, one day, have them. The questions to be asked remain: Will I have an open heart at that point? Or will I hold onto my cynicism as a shield?