For quite some time now, I have been craving a deep friendship with women. I have made this known to everyone around me, from my husband to my mother
I had female friends in and from high school who started their own lives in different countries, who were in different stages of life, or with whom I simply lost touch. So by my early twenties, I had no female friends - except for one who has been with me through all milestones of my life, to this day - and had to start over. I wasn’t especially excited but I considered myself ready.
Up until three years ago, before the pandemic hit, I had female acquaintances and I was very excited about possibly starting to get to know them and creating a friendship that could eventually evolve into sisterhood. But, understandably, we drifted apart. Everyone trying to physically, mentally, and emotionally survive didn’t make it very easy for any of us to start anything.
Back to my friend who has been with me for a long time. She lives on the other side of the world, we have different time zones and travel isn’t easy from both the countries we’re in. So, keeping in touch isn’t the easiest act here. Meaning, I still feel lonely when it comes to friendship.
Talking to my therapist about this has opened my eyes to the fact that making friends in general as an adult isn’t easy or as organic as it was when we were care-free teenagers. That sent a sense of relief down my spine, I wasn’t wired strangely after all. It didn’t, however, reassure me as a woman seeking long-lasting friendships. Where to go, to meet like minded people? Where do I, as a Tunisian woman of berber ancestry soon-to-be-moving to the United States, go from here?
Recently a viral video of Jane Fonda talking about female friendships surfaced, and I ate it up. She talked about “pursuing” her now life-long female friends to the point where they let their guard down because they came to the conclusion that she was seeking them genuinely. I thought to myself: “Well, I can do that too.” That was a lie. I would feel like I was coming off too strong, or pushing too much, or being too much. I could never do that. And even if I forced myself to do that - emphasis on the if - I’d have to find the people to pursue, no? We’re back to square one.
You’re probably tired of seeing me write about my favorite podcast, We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle. On one of the recent episodes with the incredible and inspiring Tracee Ellis Ross, Tracee talked about her chosen family, her female friends that she considers sisters. She described her “cauldron” theory. To sum it up for you, she believes that we were all made in cauldrons, like a soup, and some of us became dogs, some of us became cats, and some of us humans. When you find that person that you feel like you’ve known for a long time, you understand that you were both from the same soup. That’s one of the most beautiful sentiments I’ve ever heard. My husband and I are from the same soup.
I hope to someday find my witch sisters from the same cauldron. I long to someday create a tender friendship with a woman, or multiple women, where we come to each other because we know it’s a safe and judgment-free space. A space where we can all show up as raw and as untamed as we wish to be. A space where we hold each other, both physically and spiritually when life becomes a bit too much. I envy those who have found this, but I also aspire to be them. They give me hope.
Have you found your tribe? If so, would you be willing to share in the comments? If not, what does your coven look like to you?