I have a very complicated relationship with working out and moving in general. I always have. I suppose I’m not the only one. The more people I talk to about this, the more certain I am that we all have a tumultuous relationship with working out. I know the reason behind mine. I always associated health and working out with beauty and diet culture. I tied any physical activity to wanting to “better” one’s appearance. And so for so long, I simply didn’t move because, believe it or not, I was okay with the way I looked.
Then came the age of twenty three, where everything I felt about myself and the way I looked completely shifted. It went from not caring for a single second about the way I looked, to wondering if I should look a certain way. It went from not caring about my physical health - drinking and smoking incessantly (depression can do that to you) - to questioning if I should maybe do something.
In 2021, I started to dabble in yoga. I would follow certain YouTube videos for beginners and they worked for me. Yoga wasn’t as intimidating as running or even walking. I still smoked but drank less. Slowly, I began to really enjoy yoga. It felt like a connection to my body instead of a “workout”, because a workout meant strenuous physical activity and I was convinced I wasn’t capable. My self-esteem was so low, challenging myself was out of the question. After a three-month-obsession with yoga, I stopped. Depression put her grip around my neck and squeezed so hard I couldn’t find the slow breath that yoga required.
In 2022, I started to dabble in running. My husband’s love and enthusiasm for it ignited a curiosity in me. Every time he came back from a run, he looked as happy as I was at the beach as a child. It was his happy place and soon enough it became mine. I realized how liberating of a sport it was and I loved every single minute of it. I loved it so much, I once went too hard and injured my foot. I had to go to physical therapy for a few months and I felt frightened to run again. So I stopped.
Until a couple of weeks ago when I started to run again and this time listening to my body when it told me to stop. I didn’t wait for it to scream, I just took a break whenever it started to tug at me. Running became enjoyable again. And just recently - this past weekend - (humble brag incoming) I went on my first morning run before reaching out for a cup of coffee, and at the same time, ran my first nonstop mile without taking one single break.
Walking became something I look forward to daily. I sometimes forget to grab some things from the grocery store on purpose, so that would give me a reason to go out and take a walk. Because I know that sometimes I tend to just not move. Walks to my therapist’s office that once seemed like a long road towards the other side of the world, now became a popping-by-kind-of situation. My husband noticed and remarked that there was now a pep in my step.
I now use yoga as a way to connect to my body again and slow down, instead of trying to perfect a tree pose or a warrior III pose. It finally served its purpose as a way to bring ease and calm into my mind and body, instead of being yet another challenge I was scared I wasn’t capable of reaching.
Working out stopped being a chore and became an enjoyable activity once I realized that it’s never about my appearance, that I can actually work out and not feel like I’m succumbing to beauty and diet culture, that it’s not about the end-result, and that it’s not about anything but feeling energized and ready to take on the day and having a good night’s sleep.
I now wake up excited to do my yoga and abs workout before writing. I now look forward to running my errands so that I can squeeze in my daily walk. I’m now excited about running with my husband and challenging my body, because I am capable. I’m no longer my body’s worst enemy. Health to me means a broader and a much more expansive concept than looking healthy. Will there be days when I won’t feel like this? Probably.
For now, what matters is that I am healing my relationship with working out and the word “health” and healing is never linear. There will be downs, but I know I’m prepared to welcome them, ride them like the wave they are, and let them go when necessary.