Is It My Pregnant Body or Everybody Else’s?
The first shocking instance surrounding this subject must have been when I first stepped foot out of my house after three months of agony, choosing the small mom n’ pop business down the street from my house as a first destination. I always felt welcome there, and the people who owned the business were the nicest ones in the community. I wanted some fruit and vegetables and it was the one place I was ready to go to.
One of the nice ladies who work there was behind the cash register and she lit up as soon as she saw me come in. It was such a warm feeling that I always felt when I crossed the threshold of this place. One thing you need to know before I continue telling you about this occurrence is that I started showing pretty early, by week 10 my belly was a small round ball, which I loved and still do. The first thing this woman said to me was: “are you pregnant?” with the sweetest smile, she seemed genuinely happy for me, and I couldn’t help but match her happiness and nod gleefully ignoring what I thought was a personal question. She stepped out from behind the counter and proceeded to give me a hug. I froze. I’m not someone who likes to be touched at all. I actually have had moments of complete panic when a stranger violated my personal space and touched me. Yes, it’s a trauma response, but it’s my trauma response! After what seemed to be the longest hug, she did the most shocking thing I have ever experienced in my adult life. And trust me, I’ve had some shocking moments in my life. SHE TOUCHED MY BELLY!
Apparently, this is a very usual occurrence and according to the people I asked “it happens all the time” followed by an eyeroll is the common response. None of the mothers I asked ever enjoyed when this happened to them. Least of all, me! Not only did it feel like she violated my personal space, but she touched my unborn baby without my consent. So why do people continue to think this is okay? On any other given day, society would think this is a very weird thing to do, we would live in very interesting times if we all started touching each other’s wombs and bellies. Except when a woman is pregnant. Turns out, and I have come to realize, that once that fetus forms inside of you, it is believed that your body is public property. Everyone is allowed a touch. And it doesn’t stop there. Everything of yours and your experience should be public knowledge.
A couple of weeks later, I stepped out again, hoping for a less violating experience. I made my way down to the neighborhood farmer’s market where many shops are located as well. One of my stops was the grocery store where a cashier asked if the olives that I had bought were for me. I answered yes to this very strange question which prompted this woman that I had never met before to tut and shake her head disapprovingly and tell me that what I was doing was wrong, olives weren’t good for a pregnant woman. Now, this I knew. Everything I’ve ever eaten since I saw those two pink lines has been googled and researched thoroughly. Have you met me? We all know she never has despite the way she was talking to me. I knew olives were high in salt which would bloat me, but I also knew that having only a couple was perfectly fine because this craving wasn’t going away, believe me.
On the same outing, I was on the hunt for almond milk, something that isn’t very common where I live. I knew of this import store and headed towards it. Of course, the woman behind the register was another interested commenter on pregnant bodies. It didn’t take long for her to bombard me with what I thought and still think are very personal questions. How many weeks along was I? Did I know the gender yet? (Mind you, I had just entered my second trimester and I was in no rush.) Did I have a preference? (Now this one still grinds my gears, not only because of how ignorant it is in the year of 2023, but because of how dehumanizing it is to my baby.) This was another moment of complete frozenness. I wasn’t used to people prying this hard, and I had just come out of a hard couple of months, all I wanted to do was get out and get some fresh air, I had no idea I had to be armored with boundaries and certain polite but firm language. Trust me, I now know! To her last question, I responded with: “no, I have no preference but I’m excited to know so I can indulge in baby clothes.” Did I believe this at the time? No. Why did I offer this last bit? I have no idea, I was nervous, I guess. Yes, she made me nervous. Now she held onto that last nugget with every fiber of her being, answering with the most disgusting comment I’ve ever heard. “You don’t want to test the universe by buying baby clothes so early on.” My heart sank to my bottom and my throat closed up. It was the thing I was most terrified of, and I felt like she had just spoken it into existence. I paid quickly and went home to cry for the rest of the afternoon.
These are the big shocking occurrences that I’ve had so far. I’m sparing you the many many many others. Talking to an acquaintance about this, she said to me: “wait until you have a newborn, everybody has something to say, and everybody wants to touch them even if you say no.” To which my first thought was: it doesn’t end with pregnancy. The moment a woman enters motherhood in any way shape or form, she’s no longer the sole thinker and decision maker of her body as well as that of her offspring. I somehow doubt very much that if men were the ones to get pregnant that people would even think of touching their balls or giving them a piece of their mind.
All of this to say, don’t do as I did! (Unless of course you enjoy having your belly rubbed or hearing advice, which is perfectly okay too.) Be prepared and be armored. It’s okay to stand up for yourself and say: “Actually, I would rather you didn’t/ That’s so nice, but I trust what my provider has to stay/ Oooh, I really don’t like being touched but the sentiment is received.” Whichever way you want to put up a boundary in a polite and firm way, trust your gut and do it. Forget about hurting other people’s feelings, they will live. They shouldn’t feel entitled to your body and/or your baby to begin with.