It was a summer evening, late August 2022, when I felt a very strange feeling for the first time in my life. It wasn’t necessarily anxiety or depression – things I’ve been dealing with for a very long time, things that I could recognize in a second – although they were there, looming and waiting for a way in, it was something else. Something I didn’t recognize.
It was a feeling of exhaustion, absolute and complete exhaustion. I felt depleted, with nothing to offer – emotionally nor physically. I had absolutely no control over my mental health. Anxiety attacks came and went as they pleased throughout the last two weeks of August. But that day was one of the hardest days I have ever had to endure in my adult life. That feeling turned out to be what I now know as burnout.
The first week of August, I was enjoying my magical honeymoon with my then new husband on a heavenly island. Before we got married in July, I started working as a teacher in June. I would teach German and French to young children residing in China, over video chat. My boss and colleagues were an absolute nightmare, they couldn’t grasp the concept of boundaries. They would ping me at 3am and keep doing so until waking me up at 6. They would replace me with other teachers, without my consent nor my knowledge, after I would create meaningful and trustworthy relationships with my students. I had to beg for a vacation to be able to get married and enjoy a week of just me and my husband on our honeymoon.
As soon as I got back from my honeymoon, my boss and colleagues didn’t hesitate for a second to bombard me with messages, new students, new schedules, new this and new that. Mind you, by then I still hadn’t been paid for previous lessons. Every time I would bring up my payment with my then boss, he would manipulate me into thinking I was in the wrong. I was accepting more lessons than I physically could. I was providing energy I didn’t have. I was breathless throughout the day. I would wake up and go to sleep accompanied by anxiety attacks.
After three weeks of me begging for my right to be paid, and not being able to function properly, I realized that this situation was not sustainable. I was turning my back on myself by staying in this environment that took and took and never gave anything back. I was hitting a wall, and it only took some research – two minutes, really – to realize that I was burnt out. This wasn’t the first time I felt this way after teaching. I had taught German to university students before, and it left me feeling the exact same way.
Moral of the story: teaching wasn’t for me! It still is not!
Up until then, I hadn’t done anything else. I didn’t know anything else. I didn’t think it was possible to wake up excited about your job every single day, and when excitement wears off, you still feel content about what you do. So, I asked my husband how he felt about his job, and there it was; he was feeling all those feelings I didn’t think were possible, about his job. I was struggling with my mental health during August, so I obviously didn’t think I was worthy of a job or career that would make me feel that way.
Then, came the question that shook my world. “How about college?” my husband asked. I didn’t go to college, and I never got a degree. I went to language school to learn German and I got a certificate in the language, my French came from my French grandfather’s living with my mom and me.
I had dreamed about going to college when I was 18, but after “growing up”, I didn’t think it was a possibility. I am now 26 years old. In my culture, that’s grown - I mean ready-to-bare-kids grown. Yet here it was. Here was my husband reminding me of my worth, reminding me that it still is possible, that I can do it, that I can live any way I want to. I could go on and on about situations where my husband saved my soul, but this was life changing. I looked at him in disbelief, “As in now? What about tuition? What if we saved that money to put a down payment on a house? No, no! I believe our future kids are more deserving of this tuition money than I am.” That was my go-to; not worthy, not good enough.
We went back and forth, discussing different approaches and weighing the pros and cons. I obviously made a list later on. Turns out, I can do it! I can go to college! I can fulfill my 18-year-old dream! And get this, I can do it any way I want. I can start online and transfer to in-person classes when I’m in the U.S, I can start with a community college and then transfer to a state university. I can do whatever the hell I please.
I realize my privilege and how incredibly blessed I am, and I am simply so thankful and eternally grateful for this opportunity, for this life-changing miracle – that’s how I see it, dearest readers. I have been on the path of emailing different universities and researching the major that would align with my aspirations, which I have found.
I feel excited about this new chapter of my life and I couldn’t help but share.
Thank you for diving deep with me. Wish me luck!
Wishing you loads and loads of luck 🍀👏🏻✨